Kolton Thomas: 0:00

Welcome to the Reclaimed and Unashamed podcast. We are helping men to rewire their brains and overcome the shame that often surrounds unwanted pornography use. I'm your host, Kolton Thomas, and we've arrived at episode 18, where today I'm interviewing special guest Andrew, and today is another testimonial, and I love doing these interviews because, ultimately, it's what it's all about. We can talk about different techniques, we can talk about different theories and frameworks, but getting to hear from an individual who has had the courage to step forward, ask for help and really work on himself, and who has been changed and transformed through that process and through the community of other men just surrounding him and encouraging him, it all makes for a really powerful story that I can't wait to share with you guys. So let's get started.

Kolton Thomas: 0:44

Andrew, where do we even start? Man, you just finished the 10 week journey, and so the reason why we're here is because God did some really, really amazing things through your journey and it's been such an honor and privilege for me to walk with you through that and see some of those changes in your life, and so we're here to talk about those and celebrate those and share about those, so that other men can know that healing, change, transformation is possible in their own lives. And so, to start, why don't you tell us about before reclaimed? So give us a little bit about your story, and then even leading right up to reclaimed, and then talk a little bit about your decision to take reclaimed and why you decided to invest in it.

Andrew: 1:30

Yeah, thanks, Kolton. No, I just really appreciate the time, the opportunity to share what God's been doing in my life with reclaimed. I will say that this is a unique program that I can tell a lot of thought and prayer has gone into it, everything down to the length of it, down to the lessons themselves. Drawing on your own personal experience, you poured your whole self into this and I do want to just thank you for following God's call in your life to use your own story and do something good right. So for me, I've been married 17 years and I did not start off the porn addiction growing up, but I did carry some wounds that we've discovered through the process. Boy stuff like not feeling accepted in my friend group, having some bad coaches, just having kind of a low self-esteem in growing up and even into my professional career, being bullied at work, just all these things contributed to me feeling kind of less than when I got married. I met my wife, those feelings really dissipated for a little bit because she was feeling that void, needing to feel affirmed as a man. And it's a big confidence boost to have a woman in your life and she's committed to you, you committed to her. So things were good for a little while after we were married. But then after three kids, life kind of set in and my wife's body was changing and going through some depression as well.

Andrew: 2:58

With the pandemic kind of led to a deepening addiction, I would say, to pornography, which really began about 10 years ago. But it really kind of went to the next level during the pandemic when we were locked down and I was just looking for something to fill up this part of me that wanted to be masculine, wanted to be affirmed and just didn't feel like I was getting it in my marriage. So it kind of took things into my own hands literally with pornography and just did not my spiritual walk. At the time I was still seeking God, going to church, but was not growing and I always felt like God was ashamed of me, that I just couldn't approach him with confidence. So it really was just avoiding God and I developed this kind of a self-hatred, almost right, and I had tried therapy.

Andrew: 3:48

I had seen two therapists in the last 10 years and the second one was not helping me get to the root of the issue and it was just turned into me talking and him listening and him empathizing, but I never really got like an action plan like this is an addiction. We need to figure out a way to get over and get through it. I wasn't getting it so kind of. After that experience, after spending a lot of money, I just kind of gave up on it. And so then my porn use continued until a friend of mine recommended me get in touch with Kolton and first I was like what, why would I call this guy? I mean, he's, you know, quite a bit younger than me. I don't know if he's got the online.

Kolton Thomas: 4:33

Thing.

Andrew: 4:34

Yeah, so like Okay. So I reached out to you and you know you were so gracious, so nice, and you know you really listened well and you had a lot of wisdom even in that first call. And so, you know, did some praying about it, some discussion with my wife. I researched some other programs too, and none of them offered the personalized coaching that your program offers. A lot of them had online videos and things like that, but not the personal one-on-one that I was really looking for, and I'm so glad I did. I'm so glad I went with you and your program because, like I was saying earlier, I mean you've put a lot of thought into it.

Andrew: 5:10

Going back to your own story, I've learned to be curious about why I struggle, because there's a reason. And you know, one thing that really stuck with me is that not all of this is my fault. Right, I mean these were wounds that happened to me and that the enemy is real and he builds upon those lies. I mean they become agreements as we discuss and but at this point you know I have sinned and I need to take responsibility for that. So what does that look like? Right, it is, first of all, just understanding and being curious, understanding the triggers. It is loving and accepting yourself despite having sinned, and for me that whole piece was so huge, just loving myself. You know, that was a really big moment for me is when I realized, yeah, I mean, god still loves me. And when then also like engaging my own inner child too, and my own son, and measuring myself because I do have a son and just almost like putting myself in his shoes.

Andrew: 6:10

If he had gone through the things that I went through and then come to find out he had a porn struggle, of course I would love him, I would not reject him right, which in my mind, that's what I was thinking I was doing because of my sin. So just embracing myself, my younger self, I think, treating this as a journey and not a scorekeeping exercise where I'm counting the days that I haven't sinned. It's no, I'm counting the days that I've connected with the Lord or I've been filled with him, versus feeling bad about myself for for sinning. So I think my perspective has really changed. Now I am, now I'm looking forward at the future, I can actually think about, like I'm excited about what God's going to do in my marriage and just in my own career and just every aspect of my life. I have a different perspective. I'm hopeful of good things and blessings that I believe are in store because of you know, been able to get over and outgrow this addiction. Yeah, awesome.

Kolton Thomas: 7:08

That's one way that I feel like the Lord has really blessed. Our work together is helping make some connections between the head and the heart. I think there's so much church lingo that you know you are valuable, you are loved, you do matter, and yet a lot of times like it doesn't connect with our heart until, as brothers, we have an opportunity to really like, share and receive and interact in a relationship. Right and that's one of the things about this program that's just the Lord really blessed is a good friendship between us and such a great working relationship in these calls that you're able to break through and make some connections between your head and your heart. That really made a big difference. And you touched on your marriage, so why don't you speak into the journey to overcome pornography and reclaimed and how all that has also been having a heavy impact and shaping your marriage?

Andrew: 8:04

Yes. So, as I said, you know we started off, you know we were in love, we had a really great and beautiful sweet wedding and the life kind of got in the way with kids and things and you know we kind of grew apart in some of our interests and things like that and communication definitely suffered. But since reclaimed and learning, you know to just understand that my wife also is having issues. It's you know I'm going through some stuff just like she is, and so having that grace to her on that and even though my needs may not be met, may not be being met at the time.

Andrew: 8:39

But you know, this is a part of the discipline that God is doing. I'm coming to believe and see that it's all part of his plan, right, but it takes me focusing on the problem that is the number one issue that is dividing us is a lack of faithfulness in my part by indulging in, you know, internet porn. So being honest with her about that, having conversations with her about the future, listening, learn to listen to what she is going through and love her, and love her despite that, despite not getting my needs met, has been huge for me, because it's grace, right, it's all about extending her grace by her not being able or willing to satisfy me. That doesn't mean that I'm able to then sin and take things in my own hands, so it's just not God's plan. We both are need to be giving to each other versus taking, and that's another one that's really kind of hit home.

Andrew: 9:38

But all that to be said, the last several weeks of the program, I just felt compelled to just connect with her and pray really hard for her, and so I've been praying for her and God kind of just opened some doors the last couple of weeks. On our 17th anniversary, we were able to have a great evening of connecting with intimacy that I haven't had with her in a long time, in many years. So it's just amazing to see God work and break down some of those just insurmountable walls that I thought would never come down, like I'm now finally starting to see that God is powerful, he's a God of miracles, he's working to break down walls and barriers and I just thanks Kolton for being there, listening, putting up with me and all my texts and calls and emails. You've been awesome, awesome in this.

Kolton Thomas: 10:36

Yeah, and one of the beautiful things about reclaimed is like guys that I work with, especially guys like you, I feel like, who has such a deep heart and you have a lot of wisdom in your own useful tips and tools to share that you've shared back with me and the reclaimed community. And so I just want to point out, too, that the mentorship, the benefit, is like a two way thing and you continue after the 10 weeks. There's a lot of opportunities for you to stay connected and you are, and I love that so much. And so, man, it's awesome, dude man, if we just take a step back and we think about how powerful, how monumental it is to experience like disconnect and a super important relationship in our lives.

Kolton Thomas: 11:16

And relationships, as we all know, at times they can seem fragile and at times they can see very complex and they can seem nearly impossible to put back together once it feels like they're falling apart. Right, but we serve a God who, through relationships, through community, through healing when Jesus promises that there will be healing, that he can set you free from something you're struggling with and then you have this moment, like you just shared with your wife, that you haven't had in years. Wow, like that is. To me, that's the evidence, the power of God to work, change and transformation and healing people's lives. And you're living it, brother, and I'm getting to be along for the experience and it's just been such a blessing and a benefit.

Andrew: 12:03

It's just amazing to have hope right. I just keep going back to the verse in Romans Do not be conformed by patterns of this world, but be transformed by the meaning of your mind. But the second part of that verse is just been ringing my ears this whole 10 weeks. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is right. His will is to prosper us, not to harm us, right. And so that hope, right, that peace was. I was just missing it and I didn't have it, and now I do. So it's just amazing. God is so good.

Kolton Thomas: 12:34

Yes, and he definitely brought us together. He definitely works through people and relationships to do that and it's the course. It's the careful thoughtfulness that goes into it and teaching a balanced and holistic approach to partner recovery, but it's also just the relationships that we develop and reclaimed that really help us break barriers and restore intimacy. You mentioned loving, accepting yourself being a big part of your story, but intimacy with others intimacy with our wives or really important relationships in our lives If you're single, helping you go deeper into your friendships and relationships is something that a lot of guys experienced too through this. So you've got a powerful testimony and story as far as seeing how not only you internally have grown and developed, but like how your most important relationships in your life have grown and benefited and experienced deeper intimacy too. So, yeah, it's awesome, Praise God.

Andrew: 13:34

I mean also the weekly calls every Wednesday. I've got to know three guys that are in different states, but they all are on the journey and it just the atmosphere of just support and being able to be real and genuine. It's just so needed now, and especially in Christian circles, in the church, where we put on our happy face and we're not really honest about what's really going on, and so it's really. It's been very helpful too, just to be seen and for what I really am and for what I'm really struggling with, it's so free and it's also really cool to be able to come alongside other guys and help them and meet them where they're at.

Kolton Thomas: 14:14

Yeah, awesome. So, andrew, really quick, can you mention what you do for work?

Andrew: 14:19

Yeah, so I am in sales. It's a job that requires a lot from me. I lead a team of people and we basically service that account. It's the largest account in the entire company and a lot of pressure and there's a lot of stress that I carry and I know a lot of my teammates also have. So it pays the bills.

Andrew: 14:41

It's a great job, but also in this program, it's just been able to just start thinking clearly about what is my redemptive risk? What is it that I can do? What are the skills that God has given me? What is he trying to prompt me to do with the rest of my life? I'm at this point now where we make good money but I'm not necessarily fulfilled in my job at this moment.

Andrew: 15:05

So just the other thing that recline has helped me with is just start to think about what is it that God wants me to do with my life, aside from what I've kind of fell into as a career?

Andrew: 15:16

But what is it that he's calling me to do, especially now that I have this perspective that I didn't have after taking reclaimed and some thoughts and dreams? One thing that I've talked about is just maybe it means going back to school, maybe because I've gone through this program and I naturally enjoy talking with people and hearing their heart and connecting at a heart level. Maybe that means doing something in therapy, getting a master's in that and completely changing my career. I mean, god is again, he's in control of my life and he wants to mold me and use me in a way that is only going to prosper me according to what he's promised. His yoke is easy, his burden is light and I'm just excited to see where he takes me in that. So that's kind of. The next thing is praying and talking to the wife about what about this opportunity, this kind of tug that I feel that I've actually felt for a little bit, but now it's stronger after having gone through this program.

Kolton Thomas: 16:16

Yeah, thanks for sharing that, Andrew, and I think you'd make an excellent counselor If you do make your career shift into sort of the relational field or the healing profession. I think you'd do so, so great at it, and so I just want to share that with you. And, yeah, that's another honor for me.

Kolton Thomas: 16:34

When guys go through the program, a lot of times what guys don't realize is that we are getting very practical about working on sexual desire and control and urges. But we also have to spend a lot of time thinking about deeper meaning and purpose in our life, whether we're aligned right and how we're feeling about things underlying because our desires right, our deeper desires, the gifts that God has given us and the core longings that we have for our lives that he's given us that are good. We've got to ask ourselves how much we feel like we're living those out in a fulfilling way. And that does not always have to mean that we have to make a big job shift or career shift or jump. But when we look honestly at it, it might.

Kolton Thomas: 17:21

And I think reclaimed is all about encouraging guys to be on porn recovery. What adjustments can you make in your life, even if they're big adjustments, and how can we support you in doing that, to continue to solidify and make a concrete identity as someone who is living porn free and is no longer living underneath the burden and the shame of pornography. And so it's really exciting to think, like you said, about your future, about having this clarity about your gifts and what might be fulfilling for you, and to see you step into that, and our community is going to keep encouraging you and rooting you on support you and that.

Andrew: 18:03

So because the porn clouds everything. You don't see what you're even good at. You can't hear God's voice. If you're in this cycle of sin, shame, repentance, that's all you can do. I've got nothing. I had no energy left for anything other than dealing with the latest screw-up in my mind, and it was a vicious cycle. But it's just been so good to be able to see outside of that cycle. See that life. There is more that God wants to bless me, wants to use me. I firmly believe that the last 10 years of just everything in my life is preparing me for something else, something to help other people. I don't know what that looks like, but God is good, he's given me this experience and it's only going to help other people. So that's kind of where I'm at with it.

Kolton Thomas: 18:52

Yeah, amen. I mean, we're all people in need of change, helping people in need of change, and you are a prime candidate, with all the tools and resources that you have and the gifts God's given you, to help people in need of change. And so, again, I'm rooting for you, cheering for you, supporting you as you take steps forward to do more and more of that in your life, especially now that you've gone through this internal journey over these last 10 weeks and I feel like you've got some things to pour out. You really do to bless others, and so can't wait to see how God does that in your life. Andrew, thank you so much for taking the time to do this, to talk about your journey and experience and, at the end of the day, this conversation and of itself, I feel like it's a celebration of what God's been doing in your life. So, on that note, do you have anything else to say?

Andrew: 19:40

I would just say to you keep up the fight, Kolton. You're just starting out on something that I think is going to go a long way. God's just starting with you and love to be able to love to be able to continue to help and support and be there any way I can and I don't know, we'll see.

Kolton Thomas: 19:55

Thank you so much, andrew. Hope you have a wonderful rest of your day and week and we'll continue to see you around man on our group calls and everything so awesome.

Kolton Thomas: 20:03

Yeah. And so, for whoever is watching this, come download the app, check it out, say hi to me or Andrew. In the app, you can message us. Anyways, thanks so much. I hope that you are encouraged and inspired in your journey, wherever you're at right now with pornography, and just know that, no matter how deep in the trenches you feel stuck, whether that's in your marriage or whether that's in work or just really wrestling with low self confidence and esteem, just whatever it is, you can get momentum going in your life and you can overcome those roles and obstacles with help from the Lord, with community, with relationships and with a very thoughtful program, the right information to help you take steps in the right direction. And so, anyways, thanks everybody.

Kolton Thomas: 20:50

Do you find yourself identifying with Andrew and struggling in a season of pornography use? Then I want to invite you to consider the Reclaimed 10 Week Journey. This is a transformational program that takes a comprehensive approach. It includes individual one-on-one coaching, community support, including group calls, as well as weekly videos that have actionable steps to keep you moving forward. So, if you think you might be ready and you want to learn more or get started, visit ReclaimedRecoverycom. That's ReclaimedRecoverycom, and from there you will be able to find a link to request access to our private app for men. Once inside the app, you can reach directly out to me and I'll be happy to help you get started on this powerful 10 week experience so that you can begin your journey living porn free.